It's Christmas in December, 2009!

Do you hear what I hear? Well, do ya, punk?!

That's right: it's once again December, and it's almost Christmas, which means that it's once again time for you and your loved ones to celebrate Christmas in December, a sometimes intriguing, often festive, but always annual compilation of songs that will, I hope, distract you momentarily from how annoying your loved ones are. This is the 14th CiD collection, and like all adolescents, it's full of innocence, happiness, surliness, and angst in roughly equal measure. And although nothing quite as mind-blowing as "Billy's Christmas Wish" awaits you this year, I hope you'll find at least a couple of goodies in this audio Christmas stocking. I'm running out of half-assed metaphors, so what say we start talking about the songs themselves?

1. "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town," The Ventures
I had to double-check to make sure, but I somehow managed to not include this song in any of the 13 preceding compilations. Kind of amazing, given how much I revere "The Ventures' Christmas Album," but apparently I have not completely fished out this particular pond. Most of the songs on that album reference at least one other popular song of the '60s -- in this case, the opening crashing chords recall "Woolly Bully." But even if you had a normal childhood and didn't grow up listening to "Dick Clark's Rock, Roll, and Remember" like I did, you can certainly dig this on its own merits.

2. "White Christmas," Darlene Love
Believe you me, I have my reservations about giving Phil Spector much more attention these days. I haven't thoroughly researched the archives, but I'm pretty sure this is the first CiD song produced by a convicted murderer (I included Phil in past years when he was just an alleged murderer). But I submit that sometimes horrible people can do beautiful things, and if we fail to remember that, there will be a whole lot of thrown-out babies wallowing around in our thrown-out bathwater. And anyway, I'm choosing to think of this record from now on as "A Christmas Gift to You From Hal Blaine."

3. "Jingle Jangle," The Penguins
You may also know the Penguins from their 1954 hit "Earth Angel." The liner notes to "Doo Wop Christmas" note that this holiday release "put but small jingle into their pocketbooks." Ho, ho! Good one, liner notes to "Doo Wop Christmas"! Frankly, even if I never made another dime afterward, if I were the group responsible for "Earth Angel," I'd just call it a day. The rest would pretty much be gravy. Which is easy for me to say, I guess.

4. "Cha-Cha All The Way," The Capitol Studio Orchestra
I'd just like to take a moment to note that the CD booklet for "Christmas Cocktails," from which I gleaned this song, includes (as you might expect) a couple of actual cocktail recipes. But it also includes this piece of Talmudic wisdom: "It is better to serve a fine tall drink or cocktail in the wrong glass than a poor one in the right glass." (They continue, "It is best to have both drink and glass just right," which strikes me as more Confucian orthodoxy, but maybe I'm just getting my Eastern philosophy confused.)

5. "Winter Wonderland," Booker T & The M.G.'s
Now we're cookin'. I mean, we were certainly cookin' before, but now we're actually cookin', you know, like, more. You hardly need me to explain Booker T & The M.G.'s prominence in the soul and R&B cosmology. When I visited Memphis a few years ago, I picked up a phone book, specifically to see if Donald "Duck" Dunn was listed. He wasn't. I don't know what I would have said to him if he had been, frankly. I guess one of the perks of being a legendary bass player is the right to not be pestered by awkward nerds.

6. "Last Christmas," Rubber Band
Another great selection from Denmark's number one Beatles tribute band. I like how Rubber Band don't really concern themselves with looking or even sounding exactly like the Beatles, but instead go for channeling the spirit and energy of the band, especially in their early-'60s vigor. This is, of course, a cover of the Wham! song from the '80s, a song I do not have much use for in its original incarnation. (It's been covered at least 400 times as of this writing.) And the beginning of this version references the Beatles' "Please Mr. Postman." So here we have a Beatles tribute band playing a cover of a Wham! song in the style of a Beatles song which was itself a cover of a Marvelettes song. I contemplated this for a while and only reached the third level of nirvana, but maybe you can do better.

7. "Christmas Chopsticks," The Mike Sammes Singers
I'm surprised that "A Visit From St. Nicholas" set to the music from "Chopsticks" works as well as it does, but now I find it hard to think of the poem without this tune accompanying it. Did "Chopsticks" have any original lyrics to start with? The Mike Sammes Singers also worked with the Beatles -- they were apparently the ones chanting "Stick it up your jumper" in the background of "I Am the Walrus."

8. "Sleigh Ride," The Mistletoe Disco Band
Did "The Love Boat" ever have a Christmas episode? If there was one, and this wasn't on the soundtrack, why the hell not?

9. "O! Santa," Chatham County Line
"Oh, St. Nicholas," asks Chatham County Line, "what's become of us?" Good question, Chatham County Line, good question. The band is actually from Raleigh, which is in Wake, not Chatham, county. I don't hold that against them, however, since "Wake County Line" isn't nearly as good a name -- and since the two counties do border on each other, they do have some legitimate geographical claim. Chatham County Line began as an opening act for Tift Merritt, says Wikipedia, and they're kind of doing the same thing here, if you look a few songs down.

10. "Don't Believe In Christmas," The Sonics
I know that the album this originally appeared on, a Christmas release from Etiquette records which also featured the Wailers (another Pacific Northwest-based '60s garage rock band), is one of the greatest albums ever made, and I've never even heard the whole thing. Never released on CD, the vinyl album goes for about $100 on eBay. For more evidence of this record's awesomeness, please see "Christmas Spirit??" (CiD '08) and "Santa Claus" (CiD '05).

11. "Jingle Bell Rock/Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree," The Living Guitars
I sometimes can't remember which of these songs is which, so I'm kind of glad the Living Guitars stuck them both together. That way, I don't have to keep them straight.

12. "Blue Christmas," Frankie Yankovic & His Yanks
I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but deceased accordion virtuoso Frankie Yankovic is no relation to currently living accordion virtuoso "Weird" Al Yankovic. I know, I know, it's hard to believe. It seems so perfect, but they're unrelated. Better you get the news from me, and not from some hateful schoolyard bully, like I did. (Come to think of it, is it "Weird" Al Yankovic, or "Weird Al" Yankovic? I mean, the "Al" part is real, right? His actual name? So why should it be in quotation marks?)

13. "Jingle Bells," The Gene Krupa Trio
FAQ about the Gene Krupa Trio: Q: Who were the Gene Krupa Trio? A: Gene Krupa, drums; and Charlie Ventura and Teddy Napoleon, playing other instruments. Q: Haven't I heard one of those names before? A: You may be thinking of the French military ruler, Ventura Bonaparte. Q: Hasn't this very song already appeared on a CiD CD? A: Maybe. Q: Come on, now. A: Okay, yes. So what? Q: Nothing. A: No, come on, something's on your mind. Say it. Q: Well, isn't re-using songs like that cheating? A: Yes. Q: And? A: And I'm okay with that. Q: Oh. Okay. A: Anything else? Q: No, guess not. A: Okay, then. Can we move on? Q: Sure. A: Thank you.

14. "Purple Snowflakes," Marvin Gaye
Second in a series of "songs by Motown greats that I never knew existed before now" (c.f. "Noel" by Smokey Robinson, CiD '08). I'm not sure who's playing in the background here, but the general instrumentation, especially the drum fills at the end of the verses, sure sounds like classic Funk Brothers.

15. "(Everybody's Waitin' For) The Man With The Bag," Kay Starr & The Frank DeVol Orchestra
This song is listed on the CD as just by "Kay Starr." I don't know why I'm so obsessed with adding "... And The ___ Orchestra" to these names. I actually had to do a bit of research to find out that it was Frank DeVol. Maybe I just do it for the one or two others out there who will also remember him as the composer of "The Brady Bunch" theme. Hello, fellow dorks!

16. "Santa's Comin' In A Big Ol' Truck," Red Simpson
Don't honk the honk if you can't tonk the tonk, to paraphrase Wayland Smithers of Springfield, U.S.A. And Red could certainly do both. His album "Trucker's Christmas" is replete with songs of Christmas through the eyes of the truck drivin' man, America's last cowboys (not counting actual cowboys). So, if that's what you're after, pull on in to Red's truckstop, and while you're there, why not enjoy the mediocre food and dubious shower facilities!

17. "Merry Christmas Polka," Tex Ritter
I often wonder what Tex Ritter thought of his son John's career. Here was Tex, a singin' cowboy, idol of American youth, out there on the range or wherever -- and then there was John, wearing velour shirts and acting gay in front of Mr. Roper on the T.V. Maybe at the end of the day, they both shared a chuckle, just glad to both be making a living in showbiz. (Actually, Tex died three years before the premiere of "Three's Company," so it maybe wasn't even a problem.) Anyway, here's a polka! Go ahead and polka a little if you want to.

18. "Deck The Halls," R.E.M.
Since R.E.M. recorded this back in Michael Stipe's mumbly phase (1988, I think), I'm kind of glad they did this as an instrumental.

19. "What Child Is This (Greensleeves)," Ferrante & Teicher
The cover of this year's CiD pays tribute to (cough*rips off*cough) the cover of Ferrante & Teicher's 1956 album "Adventure in Carols." So I thought it was only right to include some of the piano duo's musical stylings herein. Although I guess you could argue that I'm just ripping them off twice now. Arthur Ferrante died just a few months ago, which makes me feel even worse now. (Louis Teicher died in 2008.) And I also guess you could say that this is yet another song by a murderer on this CD, depending on how you feel about Henry VIII. But it would not be very Christmassy of you to say that.

20. "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer," Lenny Dee
I don't care what you say, "Red-Nosed" needs to be hyphenated.

21. "Jingle Bells," Les Paul
Lester William Polsfuss. Born 1919, died 2009. Invented modern music. We shall not see his like again. From Wikipedia: "In January 1948, Paul shattered his right arm and elbow in a near-fatal automobile accident in Oklahoma. Doctors told him that they could not rebuild his elbow so that he would regain movement; his arm would remain permanently in whatever position they placed it in. Paul instructed the surgeons to set his arm at an angle—just over 90 degrees—that would allow him to cradle and pick the guitar." R.I.P., Les.

22. "No Christmas For Me," Zee Avi
To paraphrase Kurt Vonnegut's Uncle Alex: If this isn't charming, I don't know what is.

23. "I'll Be Home For Christmas," Tift Merritt
About a dozen years ago, I actually worked in a bookstore with Tift Merritt. I think I knew she played the guitar and sang, and I probably cynically said to myself, "Yeah. Good luck with that," picturing her spirits eventually dashed on the boulevard of broken dreams that is the cutthroat take-no-prisoners central-North Carolina music scene. Shows how much I knew (not much, is how much). I remember Tift as being lovely and charming and tiny. Another co-worker, Nancy Peacock, who is now an acclaimed novelist, once described her as "tee-ninesy." I guess what I'm trying to get across to you here is this: I once knew some famous people.

24. "Auld Lang Syne," The Crew Cuts
These guys just sound like they have crew cuts, don't they? If there had not been a Fifties decade, the Crew Cuts would have had to invent it.

25. "Hark, The Herald Angels Sing," The Peanuts Gang
Chuck and the gang bring us home for the fourteenth time. You can actually buy an artificial Charlie Brown Christmas Tree, which either misses the point entirely or gets to the point all too well, I can't figure out which. All I know is, you never saw this much blatant merchandising while Sparky Schulz was alive, outside of the odd Metropolitan Life or Dolly Madison Snack Cake endorsement. How long before we see a Linus-branded Snuggie? That's not rhetorical; I'm actually asking because now I kind of want one.

And with that, let me wish you a happy holiday, no matter what particular event or remembrance you're celebrating, or even if you're not celebrating anything in specific at all. Just... generic happy times in general is what I'm wishing you, I guess. Feel free to leave a comment or something, and let's all get together again back here in 2010, when Christmas in December will have officially spanned three decades! Wow, huh?